Self-sufficiency can be very desirable. Its often regarded to be unattractive to be clingy, demanding in the modern world. But having a "stiff upper lip," "toughing it out," or to go further, not being able to rely on others might say something else. Attachment informs us about relationships early in life. Attachment is seeking protection and keeping close in response to threat or danger. It illustrates how our early reliance on a caretaker affects later relationships. We learn this as a child. Separate from normal independence, independence that is not as well-adjusted, can look more like some of these signs:
So you can see these behaviors do not sound (on the surface) like someone who feels traumatized. But these behaviors are frequently someone whose attachment process did not make them safe and drove them into self-sufficiency perhaps to a fault (at least when it comes to being able to be close). However, these behaviors often represent monumental defenses against trauma, and in the long run, typically result in symptoms, other complaints, physical problems, and/or relationship, job adjustment problems. Trauma would not be in the vocabulary. Trauma would be to admit something got to you/them. Being able to work with feelings that get activated in a relationship can help the individual tolerate more, be able to be closer, and struggle but feel stronger in relationships and in life.
- Cannot make commitment in adult relationships
- Devalue Intimacy
- Numbing or shutting down when close to someone
- Avoiding your partner or friend to "preserve" the relationship
- Cannot rely on others, must fall back on yourself
- Weak memory of childhood
- Contradiction between emotion and story ("my parents hit me, it made me strong")
- When close, move away
- Important others all want you to go to therapy
So you can see these behaviors do not sound (on the surface) like someone who feels traumatized. But these behaviors are frequently someone whose attachment process did not make them safe and drove them into self-sufficiency perhaps to a fault (at least when it comes to being able to be close). However, these behaviors often represent monumental defenses against trauma, and in the long run, typically result in symptoms, other complaints, physical problems, and/or relationship, job adjustment problems. Trauma would not be in the vocabulary. Trauma would be to admit something got to you/them. Being able to work with feelings that get activated in a relationship can help the individual tolerate more, be able to be closer, and struggle but feel stronger in relationships and in life.
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