Feeling put down? Not heard? Cheated on? Partner is an addict? Neglected? Abused? When serious difficulties occur in a relationship, a common reaction from supportive family and friends can be, "Leave him/her!" While I would never argue for putting up with abuse, mistreatment, or staying in a relationship that does not ever seem to go somewhere, just leaving as if your partner's behavior is the entire problem may be a missed opportunity. Apart from whether you have a future together, stepping back from the relationship and asking some questions may help you learn some things about yourself. If you do not, it is fairly likely you will find yourself with a person with whom the same sorts of conflicts, and other related issues happen all over again. Why is this? We usually connect with what is familiar, and to our surprise, even when the person seems completely different, we may find that we keep the same patterns going. Relationships are mutually created. Even when it seems that your partner is the "bad guy," it is important to learn from the way a relationship evolves to learn from those interactions and change not only our communication, but what kind of a partner truly fits with us. These behaviors, including infidelity, are commonly symptomatic of some greater relationship difficulties. This learning can be rewarding. Sometimes a negative relationship can change, and at other times when only one partner changes, the partner making the changes may find they can relate to others in more rewarding ways, leaving less space for being mistreated, and more space for more positive interactions/relationships. You might say a relationship is like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together a certain way. If you change your shape, it will only more easily fit with other pieces (ways of relating) to people who fit better.
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steve harris, phdLicensed Psychologist Archives
January 2022
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