In a previous blog I wrote about ways anxiety can be a helpful guide. While this is still true, there are variations on this theme. So often we make mistakes because we just did not anticipate something. Although we cannot always have all of the information to make the best decision, there are other times where we simply make mistakes because we want to relieve the tension or anxiety that is associated with waiting. While moving ahead now may provide some relief, there are times that our unwillingness to feel the tension robs us of some of life's most important experiences. We give up on moving on with a relationship or moving to the next step in life (job, relationships, etc.) because we are afraid to feel, think, and/or talk about it. Or we miss out on an important opportunity because some part of our mind has already decided on the outcome.
It is only later that we find out, "If I had only known," I would have decided differently. While fears are about real threats, anxieties are our body's warning system, usually influenced by our instincts and past experiences. While the experiences are real, sometimes we evade our anxiety in order to get away from that feeling from the past. When we do this, the past actually has had its way with us when we thought we were the one in control. For instance, so many individuals assume that a dating relationship is not going well and they end it because they want to head off the rejection (an anxiety about being rejected in the past) before it occurs. I cannot tell you how many times people have found out things such as their partner was anxious about the same thing, or that their partner thought they were losing interest (they were acting cool and distant because of their anxiety about it being over!). This is not to say that we can have guarantees if we choose differently. However, part of the work of therapy is to help us tolerate the investigation of finding out what our anxieties about. Sometimes this is what freeing ourselves from our past is all about--being able to face what is going on in the moment, rather that unwittingly projecting our past into the present!
It is only later that we find out, "If I had only known," I would have decided differently. While fears are about real threats, anxieties are our body's warning system, usually influenced by our instincts and past experiences. While the experiences are real, sometimes we evade our anxiety in order to get away from that feeling from the past. When we do this, the past actually has had its way with us when we thought we were the one in control. For instance, so many individuals assume that a dating relationship is not going well and they end it because they want to head off the rejection (an anxiety about being rejected in the past) before it occurs. I cannot tell you how many times people have found out things such as their partner was anxious about the same thing, or that their partner thought they were losing interest (they were acting cool and distant because of their anxiety about it being over!). This is not to say that we can have guarantees if we choose differently. However, part of the work of therapy is to help us tolerate the investigation of finding out what our anxieties about. Sometimes this is what freeing ourselves from our past is all about--being able to face what is going on in the moment, rather that unwittingly projecting our past into the present!
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